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All We Ever Did Was Try

by The Rosslyns

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1.
Sometimes I want to run away, that’s why I miss these ‘special’ days… you know so much about me now, I’d lay my life down to be a part of you. It was just a summer’s day, I was too shy, you turned your head and walked back through the trees. It was only when you’d gone I realised what was going on - I could have helped myself, all it needed was a smile. The way back was that “hardest walk”: I couldn’t get you off my mind. And 2 months later, I’m alone - I daren’t ask at your home, who might answer the door? It was just a harmless day, I was subdued, you turned away and stepped from my dreams. You know I haven’t seen you since, except in moments of reflection. When you needed me, I know I let you down. I can’t believe I felt so tense, can’t believe you didn’t guess that I felt so much for you (and they tell me you did too). I live on rumours and empty hopes, things people say, I just can’t cope. Once, I thought ‘crying myself to sleep’ was just dramatic licence. I know we should have seen it through but I’m still glad at least to know we had each other, for a short while. The long goodbye was never a viable option but I know I could have helped myself. All it needed was a smile. And all I ever do is try, don’t cry...
2.
Sixteen 02:14
Once you’ve blown out the candles, the year stretches out in front of you. Unwrapped all your token gifts, blushed at false congratulations. Soon you’re back to life as usual - rumours, lies and lonely evenings - birthday wishes stale and empty, everyone breaks their promises… looking forward to times ahead. I know I look awful, the pavement stares up at me, all my thoughts come apart in my mind. I walk through empty buildings, see things in the shadows that aren’t there, all these people - why did they slip away? These are the best years of your life, these are the best years. And I’m drinking the rain, and I’m conscious of my mediocrity, crying again (it seems so long since the last time I saw you), I can’t forget your face, yet you still mean so much to me, I just can’t turn the page, I can’t bear to leave you behind. And I’m crouching in the dark and I sit on this cold grey step alone, every time I hear a sound I’m on edge and I half-expect to see you there. Once I was a child, and one day I’ll be a man - but for now, there’s nothing else. Sixteen is all I am.
3.
You lie on your bed as a new dawn breaks, and sun streams through your room - you’ll smile and rise and think of him, smile and rise and think of love. It was nice knowing you, I mean it: you made me feel I had a role, but I never wanted to lose that part, just being something to someone made me happy... Ever feel you won’t be missed? I tend to feel I won’t be missed, I tend to think I won’t be missed: you’ll just smile and think of love. Oh… la la la la-la-la la, etc
4.
Paperchase 02:43
When I see your face, when I hear your voice, I feel that fatal glimpse and start the spiral downwards. It’s just like waking up from a sugar-coated dream, and ice-cream/I scream. I’ve never met anyone like you before - at least, I’ve got this picture of perfection in my mind, and it’s everything that you can provide, and if you don’t it will break my heart. If you want, you can break my heart.
5.
Kirsty, etc. 01:27
And I’m living in candy apple reverie, the sweetest times she brings to my mind. She wound me down with her saccharine smile, and she thought she was something special - I wouldn’t disagree. We never really said goodbye, in fact we never really said anything, just lost ourselves in each other, on the steps where the millstone used to turn. I never learn.
6.
You’re switched on to a happy song and you rock on your high horse all day long: you’ve got everything you always wanted. I had a dream today - a stranger falling in the snow - his screams were buried by the laughter in the distance. And you won’t be surprised to know I’ve had that dream before. And you won’t be surprised to know I’ve… lost… Wherever I’m going, I hope I won’t be alone: I know I won’t see you there. And you won’t be surprised to know that I’ve had hopes before, I’ve had dreams before. I want to stay…
7.
I’m looking for the new punk, but I’m not going to find it in Clapham: no riding with Air Shocks, no going out with 9 Glocks. I’m looking for a sense of belonging, but I’m not going to find it in Britain: bouquets for breaking lines, brickbats for animal rights… I’m looking for a soulmate, a super-8 acetate C86 XR3i date - I need someone around, when it all comes crashing down. I’m looking for new avenues - I need escapism on a strictly straightedge tip. When every door seems closed, I need a Champs Élysées of my own. I’m looking for romance that isn’t tainted by the paperbacks I’ve read - sketching hearts with your name, the usual bus shelters in the usual rain - and we kissed, and we laughed and talked about the Smiths, Gay Times and Magic Stars until the sky grew dark. We’re doing it for the kids - southern culture on the skids.
8.
My hand in yours, the Wedding Present at a dockers’ benefit - the kids don’t want to know; they just want to hang around outside Diesel. I try to read the Riot Act… Into Central Park, clubs empty out, I see some ex-friends but I’m not important to them. I’m getting to the age now where I just want to settle down, where I want to believe … you’ve got to help me fight, we’ve got to be strong, the battle’s over when you don’t believe you belong, don’t believe that you’ll have your chance soon. You’re evergreen.
9.
I said maybe we should go out today, she laughed in her pleasant but empty way. I couldn’t see the attraction of a girl that had nothing to say. It’s just that she looked like a picture from a magazine: she was everything I’d always wanted a girl to be. I’d always thought she’d have sparkled in the Hollywood sunshine. I never questioned how much make-up she put on, but through it all I never saw her face, there’s nothing wrong with wearing stylish clothes (I suppose), but money could be put to better use. I wouldn’t touch her now - not with a bargepole - I couldn’t touch her skin, soft and fair as the silver screen… and now she says to me, with hatred in her eyes, “you can keep your stupid dreams”.
10.
When you spend your time with the one you love the most, do you ever wonder why your emotions melt away to nothing? He says he loves you, but all those presents only prove his wallet goes much deeper than his heart. When you pick the flowers, they shine for a while - then their petals fold, as they wilt and die. And you say I shouldn’t cry over spilt milk, but I’m afraid she means more to that than me. Through summershine and autumn glow to winter shrines and spring, the flower bloomed once more in my heart and I forgave her everything. I scarcely recognise my innocence before I met her: I can’t remember when I last had a good night’s sleep. Cherubim and seraphim and then it all comes down to lies he told, that you believed - I look up to the sky and I see angels falling with the rain. How can I resist you?
11.
Charmtrap 04:14
She doesn’t wear make-up, she doesn’t need to. She has a smile that says, “I know I’m something special to you”. A few moments holding hands, or a glimpse of her hair in the sun, as her filmstar looks chase clouds from the sky. And as I chase my sunshine-coloured dreams, I swear she would have shone on the silver screen. There’s a rainbow over the hillside, and though it’s terribly hard to say so, I can’t believe how beautiful this is… This is the girl who you can’t help falling in love with. She says I look so pale today, it’s just that I feel overawed, even when she frowns I want to throw my arms around her. And at the back of my mind, I know this can’t last, because every silver lining has a cloud. And history haunts me, it tells me that what has gone before will surely happen again. But there’s a rainbow over the hillside, I’m scared I’ll see it fade - I’m scared she’ll slowly drift away.
12.
I’m walking to my door, kicking the post across the hallway floor. I’m standing by the sink - I don’t know quite what to think. I’m sitting on my bed… isn’t it time that youth had its head? So hard to admit how I think about you every passing day. He holds you… With him in your arms, I’m not half the man I could be. When you smile, I know his kiss is better than mine, I hope you both have a much better time. Tonight I walk for miles, I’m embarrassed, I feel 5 foot 9. I want to be alone, I’m going home. You know how I love life: just not this one. Your mental complications are no real consolation, and neither of us say anything at all. I just want to say that every day you make my heart melt. With him in your arms, I’m not half the man I could be. When you smile, I know his kiss is better than mine, It’s so hard losing someone to an Old Carthusian.
13.
I’ve got no fixed plans, because they’re the best kind of plans on these unlit streets, full of unmarked vans. I threw out my address book - it was full of names, friends I thought I’d made forever, what happened to them? I pull the duvet back over my head, I dreamed of oilseed and clover; I forgot those days were over. I ran into Suzanne in rainy Southend; we drank to the past, we drank away the bank holiday weekend. Holding hands in the rain is the only thing that can kill this pain we are feeling inside. (Let’s go down to Baltic Wharf, and have a kickaround in the car park until some joker kicks us out).
14.
It’s Stakhanovite endeavour, it’s a Herculean effort, it’s a hopeless enterprise, a Five Year Plan, a bridge of sighs - but I’ve got to have you back.
15.
Sparkle 01:38
Enshrined in autumn trees, amongst the leaves they shed, combing through the hedgerows, it was solace we sought - you heard us sing. And the flowers that we wore as we lay in the shade seemed to shine from your hair.
16.
Warhol 09:56
I want to cry, but there’s nothing left inside. I am worn hollow now, all my anger and sadness and hate rendered empty by my uselessness. I waited sixteen years in vain; I flinched when the moment came. When somebody needed a friend, I did my best to take care of them. And if only I could find out what I did wrong - I wish I knew the people who really cared. When your friends start to crowd you out, it’s hard - you know you’re losing everything. And now nobody talks to me, thanks to you I am now nothing. Are you happy now? I’ve lost everything I ever had, and all that you’ve lost is a friend. An old head on fragile shoulders, is it any wonder that I fall? There’s nothing you can do, when you know you’re losing everything. Take good care… Lonely, I suppose I should be grateful for being lonely - you call it “independence”. When all is said and done, I just want to… Someone take me away… somewhere else must be better, take me away. I don’t feel like crying any more, there’s nothing left to live for. To live for, forever….
17.
Hooded Top 02:10
Ba-ba-ba-badah-bah, ba-ba-badah-bah…

about

Three teenagers from Essex named Kieron, Howard, and Matt gathered between 1989 and 1990 to record some indie pop songs they wrote. In between, their school chum Andy joined them on drums. Later, in the early 1990s, Kieron's brother Jamie joined him on some additional songs. The result is an extended out-take of what C86 was turning into a few years after it first exploded across the UK, filtered through the jangled teenage nerves of its target audience. I encourage everyone to click left next to the “buy track” buttons to see Kieron’s brilliant lyrics. But regardless please do buy “Charmtrap” (or at least listen to it all the way through) because Howard’s guitar solo is the best ever, ever (it is literally more than half of the song). It translates the lyrics into guitar.

credits

released July 24, 2022

Bass Guitar – Matt Rowson
Drums – Andy Grieve (tracks: 1, 2, 16)
Guitar, Backing Vocals – Howard Reed
Guitar, Vocals – Jamie Mitchinson (tracks: 7, 8, 12, 13)
Lead Vocals, Guitar, Keyboards, Tambourine – Kieron Mitchinson

Tracks 1, 2 & 16 recorded in Andy’s bedroom in Kelvedon, Essex, December 1989. Tracks 3-6, 9-11, 15 & 17 recorded in Howard’s front room in Heybridge, Essex in October half-term, 1989 and on FA Cup Final Day 1990. Track 14 recorded in Kieron’s bedsit in W14, the 1990s. Tracks 7, 8, 12 & 13 probably recorded at Jamie’s flat in E3, the 1990s.
Remastered in Brooklyn, NY by Michael Train
Design assistance: Shawn Wolfe

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Harriet Records Port Jefferson, New York

I ran Harriet Records between 1989 and 1998 out of Cambridge, MA. I released 10 CDs (most of which are available here) and 45 singles. There are 11 "new" releases so far, most recently the Coronets (London, ca 2000) and Kisswhistle (Pittsburgh). New releases next year by Chris Barickman, the Lookout Honeys, and a follow-up Ekphrastics CD!
-- Tim Alborn
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